Failure

I hate failure. I hate failing because often times the word doesn't really come into play for me. I've become acustomed to pretty much getting the things that I want... sometimes later than I planned, but ultimately I achieve what I set out to do.

However, lately, I've been plagued with the fear of failing. This started last year after my miscarriage. We had gotten married (check), and decided to try to have a baby right away. Our 2nd month of trying, what do you know... we had done it! I was over the moon. Things were happening according to my plan... And then, the bottom fell out.

How could my body fail me? What the heck? This was NOT  part of the plan... it wasn't even on my radar! WHY US?

Sadness, depression, anger and discontentment filled my life. I tried to put on a brave face, but this was beyond me. It was out of control. It was failure... and I don't fail... well until now.

So, with this, my ambition to succceed in other places in my life seemed to wain. I just didn't have the desire to try.  Life was not a bed of roses.  In all honesty I felt like this picture:

I'm not even a cusser.  It's amazing how negativity can eat you alive and take pieces of you with it.  Life seemed really dark.

My husband saw that some of my spark had diminished.  Part of having your spouse as your best friend is having them tell you when you have become obssessive with one area of your life and it's time to work to get yourself together... and that they'll be there for you every step of the way.  So, it started with not spending weekends in bed.  Realizing that we can TRY again.  Knowing that maybe there is a bigger plan and what I thought was failure was really something bigger than I can see right now and that ultimately this detour would/could lead to success.

Professionally, I decided to apply for a lead position in my profession and to work through my fear of failing.  I want to regain my confidence.  I want to see the glass half full again.  I want to be in the light. 

I might fail.  I might not.  But, I'll never know unless I try.