It was wierd. They had taken my blood. They were ready to do a physical exam and out of the blue the scan room came open and they asked me to quickly come over so that we could take a peek at the baby. I went over, got on the bed and for the first time he/she would be big enough to be seen using the ultrasound on my stomach. We couldn't get the best pic, so she decided to use the vajay-jay wand and went to go get the doctor... Which, made me go "hmmm?"
So, Baby P pops up on the screen looking just like a real baby for the first time. There was only one problem, there was no heartbeat. I sat in silence as the tech and the doctor really looked hard for something we all knew wasnt there. Then, I got the pat on the leg and the words I'll never forget, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat. Your baby has passed..." There was more... but I kinda lost it (I came alone that day. We had seen the heartbeat 2 weeks prior and everything looked great. ) This was suppose to be routine. However, being held by a stranger after finding out my baby had died wasn't routine and really not even ideal... but it was needed and I was glad that someone who barely knew me could feel empathy for me.
So, then I was told that I would need to have an emergency D&C. My appointment was made and I got many sympathies from the office staff. On my way out of the office there seemed to be an awful lot of pregnant patients excitedly waiting to be seen. I just thought about how ironic it was that just over 45 minutes ago I was doing the same thing.
I rushed to my car and called my husband. He came home and we just kind of spent time with each other. He was really wonderful. He called to let everyone know what happened and told them that we needed a little space. He kept everyone up to date and more importantly, he kept me sane.
The next day, we got a call early that they had moved my procedure up. I got dressed and we went to sign in. There were a ton of other people there for various out patient surgeries. The lady seemed very mechanical. When I handed the lady my paper work, she looked back up and just smiled and took the time to explain exactly where I needed to go. I guess my kind of outpatient surgery envokes kindness, sympathy, pity... it's hard to tell after a while. But, it was better than the alternative.
We waited about 20 minutes to be called back. I went back alone. The nurses tried to be upbeat and got me prepared for what was to come. Then, they brought back Mr. P. We learned that we would be in a holding pattern for about 2 hours. So, we sat and laughed at the strange coversations of others. The doctor stopped in and we asked questions. It was almost time. It was strange knowing that in the near future the little person that I had gotten use to carrying around with me, was no longer going to be there. And with that, all of our dreams and anticipation of meeting him/her.
Finally, I got drugs put into my IV to make me "relax". I remember Mr.P kissing me and patting my head. I remember laughing for no apparent reason and then NOTHING.
I woke up with Mr. P at my side and he's been there ever since. I recieved a lot of flowers and cards from friends, coworkers and family. Mama P even brought over food.
I'm not sure what God's plan is. I just wished that it included Baby P.
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